Having been nicknamed the real life ‘Bridget Jones’ I began to wonder why? – upon reflection I can tell you know that I have never owned a nickname so character fitting in the whole of my life (except Jack Russel because Im tiny and feisty? rude?). Here are some of my top ‘Bridget Jones’ moments for you all to join in on my ‘Im going to sit and think about this social situation for the next 25 years’ cringe feeling.
- Portuguese blood
Let me just set this situation straight – I work in a very busy pub which sells a plethora of spirits, wines and beers. When I first started working there the only whiskey I knew existed was Jack Daniels and wine came in shades of Zinfandel (we’ve all had a Zinfandel phase don’t lie). This situation happened upon my third shift – upon serving maybe my tenth customer. It’s summer, i’m tanned and have dark brown curls with long black eyelashes – to say I don’t look English is not a new epiphany to me. The lady across the bar asked if I had Portuguese blood, upon this statement I immediately replied back with ‘let me go and check in the cellar’ *ultimate fail*. Half way down the cellar stairs I realised she was asking me a genuine question as to whether I had Portuguese blood, I had to do the walk of shame back to this customer and not only apologise for being an absolute Bridget, but to also dampen the conversation further by saying no I do not have Portuguese blood. Let’s all cry with me. 
2. (oh it gets better) Chanks and perepsi
We all get nervous in social situations and combine two words together right?… right?? Let’s start off with the chanks which brought about the best response from a customer I’ve ever had. Upon trying to clean plates off a table and this guy trying to help me by passing me the plates (no help at all as I now felt the pressure to carry all 9 plates off the table as once, because you know saying you’ll come back for the rest was just not a thing, clearly). I went to say cheers and the customer went to say thanks, in a fit of social anxiety, I created a hybrid of the two words and responded out loud in front of the whole party with ‘chanks’ – like what the actual duck? Upon internally dying (but also laughing a little bit a lot) the guy then responded back with chanks, as though this is some ‘new slang’ as he put. Moving swiftly on to my perepsi palaver, this was not greeted with such a response from the customer. This was quite simply another one of my brain farts – the customer, if you haven’t guessed already ordered a peroni and Pepsi, yes we know where this is going, I responded with perepsi? Like why? personally I think its quite a tough thing for the brain to do, maybe Im secretly and genius and should realise a dictionary of hybrid words. Out the way Collins chanks is coming through.
3. I bit my colleagues arm (Jack Russel?)
This was not an aggressive, assulting bite before we all panic, I’m just socially awkward not a psychopath (coughs). I was quite simply making coffees at work (have we spotted a trend of all these situations happening at work, maybe its not me ehh?) and one of my brand new, male workmates leaned across me with his arm to reach something above my head – remember i’m tiny so I should be very well adapted to situations like this happening – either or, I see this big arm stretching right across my face and for some reason my natural reaction was to like part kiss part nibble on his arm. He responded with ‘did you just kiss my arm?’ and this was the first interaction we had ever had. Great first impressions Kate, great first impressions.
This list could extend and become never-ending, but I wouldn’t want to completely ruin my street cred (because clearly I have an abundant of that). If you’re stressing out about being 100% socially useless, don’t panic it makes for the best personalities and quite frankly the funniest stories.
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